Eyes... see ?
Idk how you ended here but this is where I'll talk about myself, as I don't have anyone that she trusts that I can talk to.
"She" doesn't you to know about her. I mean, she doesn't know herself who she is. So I gave her multiple names: Chacha, Resa, Safia...
Idk if she is me or if I am her, and idk if we are the same person or two different entities. Idk if I am my body and her myself, but I'm pretty sure that she isn't my body. She feels trapped in this body, a physical envelope that doesn't represents who she truly wants to be. YET SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS TO BE. We're all lost in here, and it feels like they want to keep us here. Or I want to keep her/myself here.
Ik it's hard to understand, I barely understand what I'm trying to say. I just wanted to have it typed out somewhere for someone to find if one day we manage to make it where we're supposed to be.
2008 : When it started.
☆ I thought that I had gotten bitten by a spider and that I couldn't walk anymore. Then I started complaining about hearing voices. The doctor said to my parents that it was because of my hearing issues, whithout searching the cause of the said issues.2015 : "I'll kill myself on Halloween".
☆ Nothing much to say here. My teacher bullied me. I wanted to die. I had told myself that I would be dead by Halloween .2017 : Her first name.
☆ I didn't know who she was at that time so I thought that I gave myself a new one. It got to the point where I considered changing my governmental name to it. Thank God I didn't because it's ass lol...2021 : "No thanks".
☆ She died. Not whatever she is. That girl killed herself . I was crying, asking her why would she do that, telling her how it's hurting the people that loved her. I saw how the people that were making her sad tried to steal the spotlight by saying that they knew her. They didn't lie. What they wouldn't say was that they used to bully the crap out of her.☆ Then I realised that I wasn't sad about her leaving but about me still being here.
☆ She was thin, like hella thin. I thought by trying to resemble her I would be able to do what I wanted to do for a long time. So I stopped eating. Not to the point where I had to be hospitalised. I did it gradually. People were complimenting me on my weight loss. I felt loved. The way people would look at me had changed.
2022 : Spiraling.
☆ I didn't want to go to class. I tried to leave this world but I didn't succeed. She then suggested a way for us to leave in case we have to. I started to look for answers: why was I like that? Couldn't I be happy ? I still wouldn't eat.☆ Sex is a brutal yet fascinating thing, especially when prohibited. Well you guessed what happened next. They weren't my age (and I think that if they were, I would have ignored them). I was seeking love and attention in older men to feel special. One of them told me that I wasn't fat and that I should start eating. So I ate. He ghosted me.
I wanted to tell those that were mocking me that I was cooler than them.
2023 : there's a whole world under rock bottom.
☆ Oh Lord... The year didn't have the time to start that two of my family members died. It had affected me A LOT. I wanted to leave uni, do something else with my life.☆ I met him. He's the type of person that makes you ask God why he would create such a human being and put it on your path. At first it was great. Then he started to get distant. I deadass started tweaking. I would be angry at him for working and seeing his friends, block him on social media, start to talk to other men in front of him to make him jealous... It didn't work so he did what the others did : he left. I cried a lot: UGLY TEARS, SNORT... oh man it was UGLY. I started hallucinating, like A LOT. I couldn't sleep, or would sleep too much. I missed him so much that it ruined all of my others relationships. Resa and I decided that we should block him for good. I came back a month later. And it was great. I felt like everything was back to normal then BOOM , he got back with his ex.
☆ Enough about this hoe. I wanted to kill myself every 2 months, it was horrendous. Idk how I survived this year. I had gained all the weight back so the compliments stopped, and they juged me. I had never felt so fat until meeting him but now that he's gone I just want to starve and starve and starve...
☆ "There's beaty in death sometimes" 2 is the name we have to give to him. We're almost the same. The same passion regarding death and it's beauty. He managed to to get us to show the worst in us, the violence and hatred we had cumulated over the years. At first I liked it. I didn't have to hide. But then he started to know too much about me to the point where it put Resa's security in danger. So we had to replace her.
☆ SAFIA. It took me a long time to acknowledge you. You're nicer than the others. We have a plan. I MUST DISAPPEAR. I can't tell you when or why. I just have to go.